RECOGNITION

I think upon the pieces of the past left in my home for the future. I paced and paced, watched the sky, and laid awake as time stretched on. It felt numbingly endless yet suffocatingly close to me. Always wondering.

I wondered what they expected, who they expected. How much did they know? About me? I scoured and scoured over the same resources, prying every phrase apart for a semblance of anything more.

I hammered the few words I could stockpile in my mind. Held out hope, speculated their intention. I felt wrong. It all felt so so wrong. I wasn't right. It wasn't meant to be me! How could I be humanity's last hope?

I didn't fit the image of the humanity of the past.

pfft.

Could you imagine?

The fate of the future placed upon two people who didn't even fit that world they were supposed to fight for.

I studied them. Over and over, looked upon what I could find. The voices, the bodies, the fashion, the actions. I studied myself. I felt such chagrin. It was all so wrong. My voice, my body. A face not befitting, shoulders the wrong width, chest the wrong size, limbs the wrong length. I ever constantly examined each level of myself down to the microscopic, all a total contradiction to the kind of person I was meant to be.

I wanted so much. I too wanted to experience what I saw, I wanted to feel. I wanted to be recognised. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to understand what I was feeling. I wanted anything other than what I had.

But we were all we had. We both wished for the impossible. We wished we could've been what eachother wanted. We wished we could've given eachother everything we pleaded for. But we were wrong, we couldn't be what the world wanted, or even what we wanted of each other.

i had the body didnt i? if i just wasnt a fuckin girl i couldve been what hed wanted.

I didn't have the body. I couldn't be the kind of man she'd have wanted me to be. I have to stay real to myself.

I felt like a stain on the image of my guardians. What would they have thought of who I am. I stared in the mirror, through my eyes to my own soul. I did not see any kind of ideal, I still remained the same. There was nothing that could be changed about myself, it was just us, and the all consuming ocean.

I felt like I failed. I always felt like I failed. From the very beginning. I failed them. I failed us. I failed everyone. I even failed myself. I wanted to stop seeing my soul. I was so tired of it. I was surrounded by it every single day. Plastered everywhere I could possibly go by my own hand.

i tried to blot it out

Focus on anything else.

~~>

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