Our tale of Love, Life, Philosophy, and Combat begins with two heroes of Earth C, one of Hope and one of Heart. Lounging together, lightly buzzed on alchoholic soda within their humble abode. Watching Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life (2003) on DVD at 01:17AM.
DIRK: Damn, wasn't this movie rated PG13? Parental guidance required? I don't think little Timmy would be too enthused watching this alongside his parents.
JAKE: Well yknow i actually did watch this with my ma before she passed! I dont see why lil ol timmy wouldnt be enthused. This scene is good!
DIRK: That last statement doesn't mean much considering you think all the scenes in any movie are good.
JAKE: (Grumble grumble)
DIRK: But I mean, wow. She's really goin' at it.
DIRK: I'm surprised she hasn't started ripping his clothes off ferociously with her teeth like some sex pheromone crazed female character in a fifty year old heterosexual indie director's first porno. With some wacky ass plot about visiting a different realm, where he plays the main character for totally legitimate budget restriction reasons, but for genuine budget restriction reasons all the sets fucking suck? Maybe that was really specific. Don't worry about that.
DIRK: Obviously I've seen way crazier shit. Deplorable shit even. Like shit you can't begin to imagine, I'm sure whatever you're imagining right now is nothing close. This right here? Beyond the tip of the iceberg. The clouds above the iceberg.
DIRK: Who would I be if I hadn't been irrevocabily exposed to every possibly deviant thing a guy could be while alone with a computer all his life?
DIRK: Still.
DIRK: Gog Damn.
JAKE: Well now. I think you might just need to get your mind up and out of that darn gutter bro! Just appreciate the artistry cant you? You lecture me on that all the time!
DIRK: The artistry of Lara Croft?-
JAKE: Wait wait wait this is the best part!!
JAKE: Dammit croft, this is no taime ta split up!
JAKE: Yes it is before you make the wrong decision
JAKE: Yer afraid.
JAKE: Afraid yew wont pull the triggar afraid of lettin yer guard down.
JAKE: Of lettin anyone in...
JAKE: Im not leaving because i couldnt kill you.
JAKE: Im leaving because i could.
JAKE: Hehehe MAN!!! That exchange is so great.
DIRK: You've said that about every exchange in every movie we've ever watched. Ever.
JAKE: I know and i dont see why you cant also enjoy them like i do. You know someone sat down and wrote every line and they had to shoot all these scenes and edit it all together right? Pretty amazing stuff if you ask me!
DIRK: I know my shit about writing bro, don't even try to step to me about that. Do you forget my "vaunted hollywood sibling"? I was studying everything I could about those damn things, of course I was shades deep in film theory. I'm a seasoned, self published author and film critic of over a decade. I know what goes into these things.
DIRK: We all start somewhere. You began your foray into being a movie "connoisseur" from the moment you opened your damn eyes didn't you?
JAKE: Im not being hypocritical here! its just that ive always been privy to your movie reviews and from my memory it was a whole lot of Errr Jake, Ah cant believe you actually enjoy this fuckin' dog water. This movie was the most rank excrement from a botched bovine science experiment, specifically created to produce the smelliest shit imaginable. What is going on inside your head to even think this straight fuckin' garbage is worth watchin? Do you still feel the same as then? Because thats pretty much what you told me about the movie we are currently watching the first time i asked you about it
DIRK: Well, I don't appreciate that slanderous impression of my prepubescent self, and I've never had that strong of a southern accent. 3 out of 10 hats. I'm sorely disappointed, Jake.
JAKE: What the hell!!! Three hats?? No my impressions are spot on dude did you ever hear your fifteen year old self? When i met you it was super strong.
JAKE: You probably just didnt notice on account of having been alone so long but...
JAKE: Hey youre trying to distract me! Tsk tsk always trying to get one over on me strider. Not this time buddy. Youve always doubted my keen eye for cinematic humdingers and i dont quite appreciate that. Noooo siree.
DIRK: While I admit I was a little harsh as a kid, (this is probably one of your better favorite picks) My opinion is that these movies have fun action choreo sometimes, but otherwise they're pretty corny. Like, I've basically already seen this movie one zillion other times because every action movie from the 2000s starring a woman is like this. Nothing groundbreaking is going on here.
JAKE: Corny?? Bah!!! Tartar sauce. You dont see that every movie has something special about it. Who cares about any of that malarkey.
JAKE: Here let me pitch you something!
DIRK: Alright then. I'm ready and awaiting your sweet pitch, helmet on, bat in hand. Squatting, bracing for the swing. This better be a good one.
JAKE: Yeah yeah imagine that scene just now, but instead of lara and terry it was me and you in that situation! With pandoras box and the fate of the world on the line, all that crazy sexual tension and sordid history between us and in the middle of our steamy altercation (just when youd assumed we were finally reconnecting) i decide its my chance to push you away...! After all the near death experiences weve just been through. Doesnt that sound heartwrenching! Exhilarating! The drama! The romance!!!
DIRK: All you did was just summarise the plot? By no metric is this an actual way of qualitatively ingesting and critiquing a piece of media.
JAKE: Ugh youre just not getting it!
JAKE: Genuinely imagine it, i think imagining instantly elevates any experience.
DIRK: But that just doesn't make any sense. Why should I make shit up when I'm trying to follow the actual movie?
DIRK: How does inserting your own fantasies change the definitive quality of a work? I understand shooting the shit for ironic value and changing the plot for fun. But whatever we come up with there isn't indicative of how good the base media was in the first place.
DIRK: While yes, to those whom it may philosophically concern, all art is subjective. I'm not that much of a snob to act like it's not. But there's still a science to these things with cinematography, dialogue, prose, themes.
DIRK: And thus also a science to ironically subverting your expectations of quality, but this movie isn't doing that. It's just kind of averagely performing at everything which, might honestly be a worse thing than just being plain shit.
JAKE: Maybe i kinda see what you mean about "story quality" and all? Why must you be so flipping anal when i talk about these things though! Cant you just let loose once in a while, must everything ever constantly be subject to your hipstery disdain? What im trying to talk about here is not all that, its about... something more than that.
JAKE: Its like...
JAKE: Hmm...
DIRK: ...?
DIRK: It's like what...?
JAKE: I just... urgh consarnit i dont know how to put it to words.
JAKE: Sigh.
JAKE: Oh dont look so smug.
DIRK: What?
DIRK: I don't look like anything.
JAKE: Yes you do! i see your little smirk? You get it when you think you know something i dont.
DIRK: I don't know what you're talking about.
JAKE: Rrrghhh well now youre just lollygagging about!
DIRK: Am I now?
JAKE: Uh..Yes?
DIRK: Really?
JAKE: Yeah..??
DIRK: Really really?
JAKE: Will you quit yanking my chain!
DIRK: I don't know if I can bro. I'm afraid my need to yank on you is terminal. The moment we entered that chatroom together as kids? It was like a sleeper agent activated in my physiology.
JAKE: Hmph! Well that sure would explain alot. And theres no known cure whatsoever for these symptoms that are only targetted at me for some mysterious reason?
DIRK: Wow, you'd really wanna cure me? Well too bad, there's no possible treatment that can save your sorry hide, I'm tethered to your chain whether you like it or not.
DIRK: I think I might know a way to temporarily cease the symptoms though.
JAKE: And just what might that be huh?
DIRK: I think you already know.
JAKE: Ah-Tut tut. Not so fast there dirk. If we start canoodling youre not going to pay any attention to the last part of the movie which has the coolest set piece so dont even try it.
JAKE: I myself can multitask but heh i think that might be too much for you to handle!
DIRK: Woah, woah, what?
DIRK: Ex fuckin' 'scuse me.
DIRK: You're talking to the king of multitasking here? Have some respect, were you juggling your waking and dream self consciousnesses for seven years straight? Have you texted a whole crews worth of people, while getting spoken to by a group in person all at once to coordinate a TV show and not gotten overwhelmed? I don't think so. You don't see what I do in my shades.
DIRK: I'm basically always multitasking even when you think I'm doing nothing. You don't think I can handle paying attention to a movie while macking on you? This is baby level shit. Not even that, this is like in the negatives of difficulty. If this was placed on a scale, the other side with jack shit on it would go down with how beyond easy this is. Is this a challenge? Are you challenging me bro?
JAKE: AHH!!
JAKE: No no noo!! Hold your horses bro! Jeez louise on a candle stick im well aware of your knack for multitasking! It was just a light jab!
JAKE: My real challenge or whatever is for you to just. Friggin stay put and try to see this movie how i do alright?
JAKE: Aaaaand i do believe youre underestimating me here. I think i can be quite the distraction when i want to be ;)
DIRK: But you won't prove it..? Sounds like chicken shit to me, man.
JAKE: Well i think youre the real chicken for not being able to just watch a gosh darn movie!
DIRK: I'm literally watching it right now?
DIRK: You can't see my eyeballs but they're so firmly planted on the screen, putting all their energy into absorbing the rays of light the TV is projecting into them. They're flexing with the amount of effort that's going in. It's like doing attention reps at the eye gym.
DIRK: Veins bulging out with how shredded they're getting focussing on this shit. I'll get them a full platinum membership, go every morning to get in these hard as hell workouts, the calories I'm burning just from my eyes must be crazy. Might start leaking sweat from my tear ducts. Gotta get them li'l eyeball sized sweat bands.
JAKE: Ew??? But well. Good! Theyd better keep at it then!
DIRK: ...
JAKE: ...
DIRK: ...
JAKE: ...
DIRK: What do you mean ew-
JAKE: *BUCK BUCK BUCAWWWK*
DIRK: (Snrt) Okay, okay, fuck. Point taken.
JAKE: *Snooooooooooore*